Another blue blog

It just happened again! I'm crying at the moment when i write this post. It's so hard to live with this asperger thing. I don't have a lot of friends, so i don't have anyone besides my parents, to talk to about this. And the only friends i have, i don't trust. I don't know what to do anymore.

I have allways known that there was something wrong with me, becouse i didn't behave like everyone else around me. I have been different from my friends ever since i was little, where i allways played with myself and not with the others. But now that i'm a grownup I can realy feel it, like never before. I can't be places where there is a lot of people, like in schools and so. At the moment i'm going at technical school in my town. But it's very difficult for me, to be in a school with lots of people, like in this one.

My down times, like this one now. Comes in periods from time to time. Some time when i just can't have more problems in my head, I just go down and start's to cry. That is also a problem to me, I can't get things out of my head. Good or bad, they just stay in my head untill there is no more space in there, then it comes out all in one big reaction. Sometimes i cry, other times i just get's angry!

Many of you out there might think, that it would be nice to have the skill to remember everything that happens or things you read. Well, its is yes! But! All the bad things dosen't disapear either. So, yes i'm realy smart in school and so, becouse i remember everything. But i'm also very sad often and scared, becouse i remember all the bad stuff that happens in my life too. Everyone remembers the things that happens in their life. But not as good as me, I can remember things like if they were written on a piece of paper. I can even remember things up to 2 or 3 months after i heard them and then use it in school. But if something bad happens to you? Then you might cry at the moment when it happens and then go on with your life. But i don't cry when something bad happens, I collect and carry bad things with me for several months, or even years. And then it all comes out a once. And when those bad things comes out, it's not nice to be me.

Imagin how you feel when you loose your girlfriend/boyfriend, how sad you are after. Multiply that with 10 or more, then you know how i feel when i go down.


I'm getting better now,becouse i write about my problem :) But still! It's so irritating to have this asperger syndrome!

A little about myself:
My name is Jim, I am 20 years and got my diagnosis of Asperger when I was 15.


My understanding of Asperger syndrome:
The problem with Asperger is that it is an invisible disability, and that people who do not know that I have Asperger, behave automatically to me as if I was a normal human being, and therefore they agt to me like they would to any other normal human being.

When I can not meet the demands they makee, it often leads to problems such as. bullying. I have also found out that as Asperger i have some learning difficulties, and usually have it very difficult socially. I have, for example. Verry hard to be with many people at one time.


The problems that I have received:
It may be a problem when I want to have a conversation with another person and the person does not understand me. Or if I do not understand him / her, then the most peaple will be a bit sour or think that I'm weird.


Having an invisible disability can be very difficult:
Because other peaple cant look at me and see that I am different. And therefore their expectations of me is very high. Another problem is, that I like computers and I use a lot of my time infront of a computer. It is allmost the only thing I think about. I also enjoy some other things, but when I'm with others I am only talking about computer. Due I as Asperger only can concentrate on one thing, in this case my hobby.


My feelings:
I have always found it difficult to show my feelings, both good and bad feelings. And That's difficult for others to understand. Becouse i'm not good at showing other peaple when there is somthing i dont think is funny. My body language says somthing, but my heart says something else.


My Future:
In my future I intend to be a programmer. I have often wished to be an computer repair man, but I think that it would be more exciting to be a programmer/webintegrator.

The aim is to achieve my goal. To move forward in life, then it's important for me to know what I want in the future and therefore I need to set a goal. A "normal" person would probably just go ten years in primary school, and so on in high school or something. And then look for a place to learn / work. I probably would have to go a completely different path to achieve my goals.

Ten years in primary school. Then on Afterschool. Then something else, and probably something fourth. And then a little in school again.

I need several things to achieve my goal, but it is important to stick to the plan. Otherwise i will just go down and have to start all over again.


How I had it before I was diagnosed with Asperger:
I knew well that there was something wrong. But I did not know what. What i mean is, that when someone tease me, I didnt know why. And I did not know what I should do about it, because it's a handicap I have. I thought it was because of my red hair, or something else. Now I can better ignore them, because I know what is wrong. I am glad that there is a name for it now. Because I have always gone around and given myself the blame. But now I'm free.


Thanks for reading this! :)
If you have any questions? then just write to my mail :)

Mail: psduck@hotmail.com